My Battle With Depression and P.T.S.D. A War That I Must Win.

I needed to touch on a topic that effects over 35 Million people at one time or another. That’s right…over 35 million.  Make that 35, million and one…I suffer from this illness for over 13 years myself. What started out as a simple topic on my Facebook page took a whole life of it’s own…Depression.

I received overwhelming response from my followers that at one time, I found myself responding personally to them for over three hours. If you are feeling Depressed, Alone, Hopeless and Suicidal…let me make this very clear…YOUR NOT ALONE. Depression is a serious medical condition that can keep you feeling sad, helpless, and uninterested in your favorite activities.

It can make you feel like you have to constantly wind yourself up just to get through the day. With all the responsibilities in your busy life, managing depression can be even more overwhelming. Depression is not your fault. It’s not a personal weakness or a condition that you can just “snap out of” and feel better. Depression is different than feeling sad or blue.

Feelings of sadness go away with time, whereas depression can last for weeks, months, or even years.  The encouraging news is that depression can be treated.

What causes depression?

Although no single cause of depression has been identified, it seems that genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors may play a role. Scientists are actively seeking new knowledge in this area.

I found this short but very informative article along side a medication advertisement that I needed to copy and paste. But what will not be copied and paste is the many stories to follow, how I battle my depression that continues even to this very day. I will share with you the first day I was diagnosed with not only sever depression, but Post Traumatic Stress Disorder  known as P.T.S.D., after the terrorist attack on 9.11.2001.

As many know, I was a member of the many Search and Rescue/ Recovery Teams for the Port Authority Police Department at the World Trade Center site in New York City. My many days at Ground Zero and the months and years following had such a traumatic effect on me that perfected hiding my depression till finally it caught up to me and cost me my childhood dream as a Police Officer.

Some of my stories will be graphic and disturbing, but I am willing to share them to all those who suffer this serious illness and want regain their lives back just as much as I do. So if your ready, sit back, tighten your seatbelts and hold on.

2 thoughts on “My Battle With Depression and P.T.S.D. A War That I Must Win.

  1. jojo

    I was at St. Michael’s. I remember that hill we used to sled down and the gazebo and I remember the woods. I don’t think you were there then, but at some point the boys set fire to the woods, and, the fire spread all over S.I. At least that was the rumor. I think it was around Easter in 1962 or 1963. I still have nightmares about the place. I used to fantasize that we could pull a brick out of the exterior wall and the place would fall down. I was older than you — I was there from about ages 12- 15. Fortunately, I was so difficult that they couldn’t send me to foster care or place me anywhere and I was kicked out of St. Michael’s in 1964 or so. I ended up in city shelters until I was 18.

    I read a little of your blog about foster care…. those people were making money taking in kids and they must have taken you in because of the income. I’m so sorry that you had all this unnecessary pain — but, you have to remember that you are much more than what anyone ever said about you or thought about you. Also, people were much more cruel to children in those days …. the kids were “punished” because their parents were considered “trash” by the system. I didn’t read your entire blog — so if what I say is not helpful or doesn’t apply — please disregard it…. I think that a lot of depression is biologically based and it is very important that you take fish oil and B vitamins and try to eat the most healthy diet possible. It is important that you take care of yourself. One of the theories on depression is that your brain is stressed by past experiences and requires excellent nutrition to help heal it biologically. I am in my 60’s and still am wounded by the past but, believe it or not I think that I am still getting stronger. It is amazing how the past affects us —- I just realized a couple of years ago, that I unconsciously did not leave my home in the evenings once I got home because I had grown up needing a “pass” to leave the institutions. It was bizarre. Also, please understand that Christian faith can help people who suffer from difficult pasts. I didn’t read your stuff about the WTC, but I understand that you worked down there after 9/11. On 9/12, I went to the WTC and had to look at it. I also went downtown for no good reason in the months after 9/11 with the smoke and the fires. I think I re-traumatized myself with exposing myself to it and I believe that it was partially because I had unresolved issues with prior traumatization.

    I think that now that you are retired, that you have a chance to stop traumatizing yourself. They, meaning the psychiatrists, say that people tend to repeat traumatic experiences so as to master them… I’m not sure about that but I will say that healthy people (or healthier people) that I have known really shy away from traumatic experiences ….. I think that if you look for “sweeter” experiences —– I don’t know — gardening, fishing, singing —- it will help you heal.
    Perhaps revisiting the past will help you heal —- I hope so.

    I prefer to remain anonymous for various reasons; but, I sincerely hope that this response helps you
    a little bit If you are feeling depressed, just remind yourself it is biological; that you can and will feel better; that you are a child of God, that you are much much more than anyone ever said about you or thought about you. They were cruel stupid people and you were just a child. Feelings are just feelings —- experience them, but don’t let them rule you or govern you. And, depressed feelings are not necessarily who you are —- just the common cold of life —- you get through a cold and you will get through any depression as well.

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