What I am about to share with you will not only be disturbing but graphic in detail. So please think this over before you choose to read. I feel it’s my responsibility to tell you all a very dark secret only shared to my wife and my therapist.
It is a topic that is very rare discussed among family and friends and most of all our co workers….an epidemic so powerful it spreads from our service men and women returning from war, past and present, as well as our Police Officers nation wide who serve on the front line keeping their communities safe from lawlessness.
If you believe it just ends there…it doesn’t. You can also find it happening to our children who are bullied in school one too many times, or to the average person struggling through life feeling so helpless that they give up on life all together…..and they commit Suicide.
I am sure we may know someone who had killed themselves or attempted to do so, and they may seem like a happy-go-lucky guy or girl. It’s always the ones you least suspect…and I am no exception. I was separated from my family after 9-11-2001 for three years.
I will not get into the details about why, because I will have to sit down with my wife to discuss if she’s willing to let me share our painful story, but for now, I will just share this one to you all. I was living in an apartment in a nice tree-lined neighborhood about 40 minutes north where I live today, when I was going through some very dark moments of depression.
One night, my life that I once believed had control over, began to unravel faster than I could handle. Now during that time, I was going through therapy and on anti depression medication without my job knowing as well as family and friends…I was on this trip alone, well…I thought I was.
It was in the summer of 2004 when I decided to end my life. After going through deep crying spells throughout the day, I couldn’t even go to work that evening so I called out. I just laid on my couch in such a daze and mentally exhausted that I decided to end it all.
With no thought of thinking about those I was about to hurt and destroy their lives, I walked over to a picture of my daughters hanging by the T.V. set in the living room and grabbed it off the wall…grabbed my gun off the end table by the couch and went straight into the bathroom.
I then climbed into the tub and laid down clinging onto the pictures of my daughters while crying so hard, begging my girls to forgive me. I never even thought about writing a suicide note because what I did was so spontaneous the thought didn’t even cross my mind.
I remember thinking that I should put on the water faucet above my head so when I shot myself, the blood would just drain and not leave such a mess when I would be discovered. Strange that I was putting so much thought now that I was laying in the tub and not when I was on the couch looking at the picture of my girls.
Anyway, I position myself into a fetus position on my right side with the gun tightly gripped in my right hand with the picture tucked under my arm as well, and strategically put the gun in my mouth as I reached with my left hand to turn on the water.
My hand was on it for a few seconds when I let out a scream so loud, I thought for sure my neighbors heard me and tossed the gun out of the tub. I laid there for minutes that seemed more like hours just crying.
I then climbed out of the tub and what little strength I had left from exhaustion, I reach for my cell phone and called someone to save my life. That person rushed over to my apartment and found me laying on the couch and held me all night and never left my side…It was my Queen who saved my Life.
The point I am trying to make with this story is depression does not discriminate, nor does suicide, if that makes sense at all. No matter how much we seem hopeless, there is someone out there ready to save your life. You just have to have the courage to reach out to them.
No one can force you to live…you have to want to live…and when you do that, you will be on the road to recovery. Sylvester Stallone once said in an interview with Barbara Walters back in the 80’s and said this to her…Dying is easy, but Living is hard………So true.