Looking Back, My Final Thoughts


This is my final post under the category The Foster Home.

I know many of you are wondering about the other members of the foster family and what my feelings towards them are. To be honest, I really never think of them except Sandy. Growing up with them was nothing special or memorable to say the least. We never did anything as a family other than going to Brooklyn to visit family every few weeks or travel up state New York to visit my mother’s side of the family maybe once a year. Maybe we went to New Jersey to the Mall once or twice that I remember but that was it.

We never went to any Amusement parks, Seaside park in New Jersey, Ball games, Weekend get a ways, Coney Island, Fishing, Kite flying, to the Beach, or just a god damn stroll in the park as a family. But my wife did all that when she was a little girl. Most of my friends who I grew up with all did. Our first day back from summer break, we would write essays what we did over the summer and most of my classmates would stand up in front of the class and share where they went during summer breaks…my paper said “Played with my Friends’…and that’s it. So the meaning of Family didn’t mean much of anything to me living there.

Linda always seemed to have plenty of friends. From what I remember, she came off as the leader of her group. They always came to our house, and would pull up in their cars honking the horn for her, even ones with motorcycles which I thought was the coolest. She did have a sense of humor and was always up to date in the fashion world. Like I said many stories ago, she can wear any jeans and have all the boys jaws drop in the neighborhood. Every so often she would ask for a hug from my younger brother, her sister and myself for no reason at all.

She loved watching old black and white movies on Sunday mornings. But, she did have a temper and it would break out once in a while. I only remember once she got her ass handed to her by her father because of a boy he didn’t like. It was during dinner time and she answered back to him and he let her have it. I must have been bout 14 but when he was hitting her, I wanted to take a fork and stab him in the back of his head, but my mother stopped him and she went upstairs crying…I will always remember that day.

Today, Linda has a family of her own and is a proud grandmother. She has been married for close to 40 years to her teenage sweetheart and they live in a typical middle class neighborhood in New Jersey. I just hope that she is in total denial what her father did to me, and deep down inside, her heart has been heavy over the years trying to forget what  happened inside the house we all grew up in. I just wish she gave her family a heads up when she found out that I was ready to tell my story through this blog. She could have handle this in a different way, but instead, accused me of lying. That’s ok…because I know she remembers.

Now as for my older foster-brother I say this. I remember when he was about 17, he lied to his parents that he wanted to go to the movies to see a James Bond Flick and needed to borrow his mother’s car and was taking me with him. But instead, we went about five blocks over to meet up with all his friends drinking beer and smoking the Gonja…now that was cool! But most of the time he picked on me, called me names over the years and got me in trouble. I will never forget what he has done that night at the dinner table with the library book.

We did get along, but it was always to his benefit one way or another. But that never stopped him from treating me like shit and was a cheap prick when it came to paying me for delivering his newspapers. But that’s ok…go back and read Severance Pay! Today, he still lives in that same shitty neighborhood not far from where we grew up, with his family on Staten Island and employed with the same company for many years. But, to be honest with you, I have nothing else to say much about him other than….. he can go fuck himself.

Now Sandy I really liked. She never got me in trouble other than over playing to her record albums without asking or arguing over what was on the television, little things like that. But as I said before, she never intentionally got me in trouble and never treated my like shit. She ever called me names and she always talked with me even if it was just mall talk. As far as I was concerned, she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw and I was living with her. It wasn’t till I came back from the group home that I started having other feelings for her but would never tell her or show it in any way.

I had a social worker who showed up once a month and his name was Rafael. He would ask me the same questions and wanted to make sure that everything was fine moving back in with the same foster family. At the end of our session, he would always end it by asking me if I had any sexual feelings or thoughts or experienced fantasies towards both my foster sisters. If I even gave the slightest hint that I did, within days, I would have to be removed from that family….and I think we can all safely say we all know why.

But instead, I would respond like I was insulted that he would even ask me such a question but responded back that I never did and I thought of them as my sister and loved them both as such. Let me tell you this, if I was Pinocchio, my nose would have stretched out and smashed right through the living room window and into the neighbors house across the street. But I was convincing enough and our session ended with a smile and out the door he went. But all kidding aside, I really loved Sandy and would have done anything for her. Today, she still lives on Staten Island and single. I really don’t know much about her which is sad, because I really loved her.

As for my mother I will say this. She was no saint, but she was my mother. I think of her often, specially during Mother’s Day and her on her Birthday in May. I will let you all in on another untold secret. She has never once entered my nightmares, even to this day. When I went to her husband wake, and it was time to leave, I was asked to leave by her son Barry so they can spend a moment with each other. So I walked up to where my mother was sitting,  I leaned over and whispered to her…” I never stopped Loving you Mom ” … I than gave her a kiss on the cheek and hug her lightly and walked away with my family…… and never saw her again.


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